i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize