ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
