and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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