have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
this hospital has no fireball
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
