Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize