guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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