So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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