I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize