im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
