well I can't set my house on fire every night
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
