made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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