Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
