You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
