he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
