The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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