just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
