My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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