The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize