My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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