Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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