I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
