after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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