i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
