The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
