just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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