I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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