You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
