You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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