i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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