I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
