Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
