after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
