i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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