You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
