oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
