my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
