shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize