Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
