His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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