Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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