we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
