Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm passing your future prison.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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