1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
