i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
