I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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