Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
