omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I could make wine with my vomit
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
