I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
