when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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