who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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