My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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