I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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