she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
No subtext here. People are naked.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Someone came in the potted fern
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize