At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
