Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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