i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
