were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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