im about as happy as oj after his trial
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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