woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
