i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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