MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
