My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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