so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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