Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
